I've
been putting off writing this blog for over a week now...because I have
questioned myself and why anyone would want advice or read about a Mom who has
felt she's failing...like she's on a speeding train headed for a car on the
tracks and can't put on the brakes. No kidding. I've been physically ill this
past week from the choices my 2 oldest children are making, ages 11 and 15, and
have lost hours of sleep trying to determine what my course of action would
be. I homeschool my kids, and the older
two can't seem to focus on anything long enough to complete assignments and
don't really care... and are failing their coursework. My younger two boys --ages
6 and 7--are A students, eager to please. 50% success rate certainly isn't stellar.
Even more frustrating to me is the fact that they are blatantly disobedient,
and get rude when I call them on their behavior. A sin. The struggle is real, and I am sure many
other parents can relate. I want to assure you, that my guidance is based on my
successes...AND my failures. We are all
imperfect parents with imperfect children with the same goal:
Train a
child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6
In the
whole scope of life (not to mention the greater scheme of existence), our time
with our children is fleeting... (although some days I feel like it'll never
end). This short time is so critical to
shaping their lives, their beliefs, and their foundation. Jen Hatmaker points out, "Our children
will never be as teachable as they are right now." Did you know that 85% of all believers choose
Jesus before the age of 14? We have an
opportunity to guide them in decision making using the Bible as the go-to book
for answers and advice. We have an opportunity to model Christian behavior as
parents. Discipling our children and
helping them grow closer in their understanding and relationship with God will
never be easier! (But I didn't say it
would be easy....)
What
happens when your loved child rejects your leadership? Disrespects you? Battles with you at every turn like it's
their job? I often feel like I'm a total failure as a Mom, but this experience
of parenting has brought me to my knees in prayer with God. I know that my
husband and I can't do it alone. Praying
gives me comfort in God's direction. In the Mean Mom's Guide to Raising Great
Kids, by Joanne Kraft, she writes: "Prayer
changes me. It brings me to a place of surrender and peace, ultimately abiding
in Him. When I wholly lean on Him, His words abide in me, and what I ask in His
will, He promises He will do. (John 15:7). Prayer pulls me in, closer to Him.
And when I draw near to Him, He promises to draw near to me (James 4:8)."
I am up
for any task and I firmly believe that God gives you the children you have for
a reason (sometimes I wonder what that reason is, and I can't wait for Him to
reveal that to me!) I have two of the most defiant, oppositional adopted children. Like many who don't have a strong foundation
of rules and guidance when they are small and are placed into the foster care
system, these boys challenge rules and authority like it's their job. They've
been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder; although the diagnosis
doesn't make a parent's job easier...it just makes me feel less of a
failure. Some days I feel bound and
determined that they aren't going to defeat me...but it's mentally and
emotionally exhausting. Some days, I go
to bed with a throbbing headache, feeling like I've survived a rack of
torture. How did raising kids become
such an exhausting, stressful experience?
Some
days, I feel like we're making progress. The boys are less combative, less
argumentative, and we are able to get through a day's activities relatively
drama-free. Other days, every activity brings arguments, talking back,
eye-rolling, scorn, and flat-out refusal. Dr. Dobson reminds us that 74% of
strong-willed children rebel in adolescence. Additionally, 3 times as many
strong-willed children earn D's and F's in high school than compliant
children. Like many parents, I love my kids and am
willing to work hard to help them become the Christian men that I know they can
be. But, like others with strong-willed
children, we've tried a myriad of techniques, and there is not an easy fix.
I love
Joanne Kraft's recipe for modeling and shaping your kids: Model manners. Expect
good manners from great kids. Praise your children publicly. Correct them
gently, firmly, and consistently. Humans are innately pre-disposed to sin: "For
all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23. (Check out more about Mean Mom's Guide at her website: http://joannekraft.com/
Dr.
Dobson recommends attitude, which you can create into a prayer and use your
children's names in it: "The Lord gave me this challenging child for a
purpose. He wants me to mold and shape [these children] and prepare [them] for
a life of service to Him. I'm up to the task. I'm going to make it with the
Lord's help."
Lord, You
are such an awesome Father God. I confess that I often feel like a failure when
my children are not progressing in their obedience and discipleship. I make
many mistakes as a parent. Thank you for the blessings of family and children.
Thank you for providing the Bible to help us guide and teach them. Thank you for entrusting their lives to us to
mold and shape for Your Will. Lord, please watch over them and protect them.
Use the Holy Spirit, Lord, to guide their decisions and actions. Please give me
emotional and mental strength to get through the day and be an effective role
model and parent. Lord, please help me be patient and kind, even when it's met
with disdain and disobedience. Amen.
So, my key takeaways today are:
1.
Model Christian behavior. Use other Christian
role models as positive examples and those who aren't as "what not to
do".
2.
Use prayer and Bible reading to guide, comfort,
and lift you up. Pray as a family. Read
the Bible as a family.
3.
Expect mistakes and use them as learning
opportunities...even if you have to keep teaching the same lesson (eventually
it will sink in).
4.
Don't give up! God blessed you and is using you
and your skills in a special way!
Moms
and Dads, Keep your courage. Don't panic or be fearful - instead be prayerful.
Better days will come...and the ultimate reward will be waiting for you in
heaven.
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